It's been more than a year since my last post. I've actually forgotten about this space.

But it's 3.30am now and I'm sleepless and restless. So look what I've found.

Well, I did it.

I survived Uni and can now call myself an Animal Science graduate.

Took abit out of me.

Yet also, freed me.

I wish I was back.

Even if only to just be able to be far away, alone.

Actually I might just want to be anywhere alone right now.

Been so long yet I still struggle .

And it doesn't seem to be clearer, it doesn't seem to get better.

On the contrary. 

How long more?

For me?For life?For pain?For survival?

Everyday hurts.

Hi.

I made it to the third and final year of my degree.

8 more months to go.

I can do this.

Hoping things go better this year.

Hoping I'm better this year.

So far it's been good.

I had my first solo trip and already planning my next one with an amazing opportunity in September.

I can't wait.

:)

Hiiiiiiii

I can't believe I'm back on this platform again.

Chrome was being a bitch for so long that I could never sign in

So I thought that was how this blog was gonna die.. cause of Chrome screwing up.

But at least I finally remembered I had Safari and it worked!

SO HI. :)

I hope nobody still reads this.

I've removed all links here from every social page I have.. so other than the odd stranger passing through.. I highly doubt anybody would be here.

Good.

It's been 9 months since the last update?

I'm now in my 2nd semester of 2nd year of Uni.

Half way done.

Can't wait.

I still dread pretty much each school day and I still miss my old job every single day.

But I'm almost there..

And the biggest obstacle in my way is me.

I'm back home for the holidays.

Always good to be back

Yet I feel after living on my own for most of the year, I've gotten used to "advantages" that I realised have become pretty important to me.

Like freedom.

I love my friends and family.

But I miss having the freedom to come and go as I please.

To meet anyone anytime anyday. Or not.

Because, another change I've noticed is that I don't crave company anymore.

I might even say I shun it sometimes.

Being home means I answer to my parents and their rules and keeping them company the most because they miss me.

And then having to plan my outings with my friends and Andrew strategically so it doesn't seem like I spend more time out (eg: "no 2 days in a row outings").

I sound like a brat I know.

I should be grateful I have a family who missed me and wants to spend as much time with me as possible.

And friends who are as excited to see me back as well..

It's just difficult to break a "habit" that freed me up so much.

Even if it isn't wholly freeing.

I've been gone for 8 months.

And in that 8 months, everything fell apart way more than it ever had.

I feel so selfish.

I should never have done this.

Failed my first test since Uni started.

Totally redeemable but I still feel so bummed out about it.

Maybe because I spent the whole week trying to study for it and thought I actually understood it.

Or maybe because it just intensified my feelings of " why the fuck did I choose to do this" again.

Not entirely sure what I expected when I decided to do this.

Not entirely sure this was the best idea.

I have discovered more of "myself" though, so to speak.

Although, I'm not entirely sure if those points would be considered "good".

Definitely discovered bad stuffs, which I'm trying fucking hard to eliminate but it's undying.

It worries me to think about how the remaining course of this journey will turn out.

It worries me that I'll cut it short.

It worries me more that I'll finish it, gain a degree, but lose more.

Why the fuck.

Help